Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
