tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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