ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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