i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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