the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize