I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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