You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
