Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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