To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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