Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
