The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
