I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
