i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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