My sheets look like a crime scene.
so that wasnt chicken after all
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
