There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
