Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
