Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
not ubering you a puppy
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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