Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
