i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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