i think my tv is drunk
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
