Swine flu. Run for my life!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
