So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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