you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
