What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
