it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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