A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
