so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
