I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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