Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
