Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
ugly people sure do ruin things
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
