i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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