She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
