ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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