i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
