how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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