Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
