I got her a Nickelback box set.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's blow job season.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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