I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
