Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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