My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
