when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
