my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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