Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
