he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
