dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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