I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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