I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
