Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
