my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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