The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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