She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
This toilet bowl is my home.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
