So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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