When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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