I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
