just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
