new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
