I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
