i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
