So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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