my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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