The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
