The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
worst night to have a conscience
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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