Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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